Father's Day 2013

Well, things haven't gone quite as we would have planned.  Just as Micah's early birth wasn't in our plans, nor was an extended NICU stay.  Micah hasn't really improved too much in the last few days.  In fact, he's back up to 3 liters of oxygen from 2 liters.  His oxygen percentage hasn't changed too much, either.  He is between 30 and 40 percent.  The blister on his head from the IV burst this weekend and they have to put an antibacterial cream on that spot.  Today, the doctor took a sample from the are to have it tested for viruses.  They had to put a new IV line in his arm to take care of the blister that formed on his head from the last IV.  The nurse practitioner we talked to yesterday indicated that Micah's breathing is slowing a bit and isn't fast as frequently as it was before, but only marginally.  Maybe I'm looking on the wrong side of things...

He isn't deathly ill, and has all of the help and care he should need.  The NICU in GB is the highest level of NICU care that is offered.  His echo-cardiogram was normal, indicating that his heart and all of that sort of development is totally normal.  He opens his eyes and looks right at me while attempting nursing.  And, when we do attempt, he has been doing fairly well for a baby who hasn't had much practice. 

As much as I seem to hold it together when talking to others about Micah's condition, I really feel so helpless and broken.  I cried today after talking to the doctor on the phone!  Some may say it's hormones, but know that I'm truly emotionally exhausted.  I'm having a tough time with the indefinite waiting, leaving my 2 week old baby day after day in the care of a nurse who may or may not care about him in a different city.  I second guess what more I could have done for him while pregnant or what I could be doing for him now.  I get tired of being in limbo, and being in a position where I need prolonged help with watching my kids so I can go visit my other kid!  It's so many things wearing on me (jeez, listen to me gripe!). 

It's even tough for me to see Eric yelling at our kids.  I often times need him to be OK with wrangling our other two if I'm going to put time and effort into breastfeeding and, thus, visiting Micah when I can.  I know that he's drained, too.  He has had to go to work and told me he thinks about Micah whenever it's his feeding time (8,11, 2, 5).  Consequently, he hasn't spent as much time with his newest son as I have.  He has been there for me more than he knows.  I value the fact that he is walking nearly the same road as I am.  He wakes up (but doesn't get out of bed) when I get up to pump, too, and picks up the slack when I have to do those "motherly" things. 

A pastor from our church called me on Friday and left a message saying that he and his wife have been praying for our family, and asked for an update.  I forwarded the message to Eric, knowing he needs to be able to talk to someone, too.  I was so thankful that he returned the call and the pastor prayed with him over the phone.  That is a huge blessing for me.  I know it meant a lot to Eric!

One thing is for sure, though.  God had all of this planned from the beginning.  He knew exactly what was going to happen, and knows how things will turn out.  He's the invisible arms that keep us plodding along, day after day, hour after hour.  He's watching over Micah when we're not there.  He is still sovereign and loving.  He's stretching us for our own good.  What does make me feel better?  When I lift my head from my own wallowings and selfishness and set my eyes on God.  He doesn't change, and has my best interest at heart ALL THE TIME.  Not just some of the time.  He is still good, powerful, and holy.  He not only watched, but sent His son to die. Not just to suffer, but die... so that others can live.  How much that must have broken the Father's heart.  I now know a piece of that. 

It was a huge blessing at church today to hear from so many people have been praying for us.  Humbling, really.  So many offered help of whatever kind!  I suppose I never really realized how much other people care about us, or just others in general.  Am I that loving? 

Anyway, it was my plan or hope, at least, to have Micah home by Father's Day... or by Eric's birthday (Tuesday).  I guess it's not Gods will, or his plan.  I suppose I'll wait on God's perfect plan ;)

Daddy feeding Micah earlier this weekend.

Baby Micah on Father's Day after his 5pm feeding.

"Milk drunk" on Father's Day.